There’s an ongoing struggle to meet the intrinsic expectations derived from the title of this wandering and perpetual novel. To actually go, and to not just write about it.
It's an internal pressure cooker of sorts.
It all started innocently enough -- you know, the official naming of this story, because, well, I've always liked to pluck a phrase out of a piece (that somehow represents the underlying theme) and turn it into the name of the chapter; and really, to be honest, I wanted something unfettered and easy; perhaps a title that would reflect the understated simplicity of this journey.
So, as it should happen, the Jesus of my day came to see me on a Harley, and he called me over in a cloud of dust and dirt. I was drawn to him, so I went. Of course, it was written from my very own imagination, in the first person, present tense; ergo, so I went became so I go.
Suffice it to say, I dropped it all on the ground -- everything -- because I wanted to die to the details. And then I got on the back of his Harley and the rest is ... well, the rest is what I believe following Jesus should be all about.
So, after meandering in and out of chapters (that finished with merely an accidental semblance of order), there was an ending to Volume I; an epilogue of sorts where everything, I hope, came full circle:
"...ultimately, if we trust the Rider when he says go, then we will honestly rise above the mundane and the minutia and simply meet his gaze and say, so I go now -- not past tense mind you, but a personal commitment in the form of an ongoing action verb of moving and loving and going with arms wide open. And there – yes, right exactly there, is where the true and great adventure he’s always promised is waiting.”
And all of this brings me closer to right about now. I do promise to eventually make a point.
I thought this title was well and good, and so, it certainly felt well and good enough for me to also name the second volume So I Go, and together, we’ve been dreaming about a new kind of Church for about twenty five chapters or so. It sort of fits, don’t you think? An actual Church made up of people who decide to drop it all, make a personal commitment in the form of an ongoing action verb, die to the details and just go?
All of that said, I wanted to simply say that I'm looking forward to the next twenty five chapters. But to be real, and gut level honest, and perhaps to dispense with any notion that I have it all together, I think it's of utmost importance that you know something, as the reader. You see, while I sometimes do in fact go (and I hope you do too), there are times -- more times than I care to admit-- when, intrinsic expectations notwithstanding, this whole thing should rightly be titled: So I Sit on My Ass and Do Nothing.
I'm not proud of it, which, I guess is my point exactly.
Maybe you know the feeling.
7 comments:
BE CHURCH.....that's the theme for our High School kids right now, the one Lexi is ministering to....I don't why I'm telling you this but probably because you need to know you do encourage alot of us...you challenge and encourage and help us see what sometimes we miss....It's risky alright and sometimes downright tiring but the alternative is too scary....and maybe the point is that we're not all having a sit at the same time???
you okay?
Fortunately, perfection is not what Christ longs for; desire is.
Perfection, my friend, is His bag.
Soldier on.
I've been "writing" a novel for eight years. The real fiction there is the writing, not the novel.
Perhaps. Perhaps not.
Because in my mind you are a pebble tossed into water, making beautifully expanding ripples.
Because since I found your writing, God has used it to speak to me on so many levels. You have been a third in many of our conversations, broaching discussion with Him when I was unsure how to procede.
Because you were at church with me last night. You might not have known that you were there with me, but you were. You sat with me as we ate a meal with the hungry, and talked with them.
Because this isn't about you anymore. In an odd way, we're in community. And while you may feel like you're not spending enough time "doing", your efforts are being multiplied.
Because last night at church, there was a woman with an Armenian accent, who came hungry for food and conversation and left full, who would have thanked you, had she realized you were there.
what you write is good
we aren't always mobilised because there's too much of us in the equation - but the fact that what you write and say challenges us deep down, and if we let it, it changes us - which is what God is after. transformation!
i know what you mean about feeling as if you're doing nothing. there's always that struggle. but you can't deny the fact that this "perpetual novel" has affected so many people. we have all experienced him through your writing.
it was like, all of a sudden, i had a new way of relating Jesus.
you made two decisions: makeover an old theatre, and meet there for prayer once a week or whenever. and He just showed up. you began to see him in ways that expanded your perception, and my perception, and everyone who-stops-by-here's perception.
not that we needed the affirmation that he does exist in our post post-modern world, but maybe we needed a clearer picture.
by the way, no one cares if you have it all together or not. perfection isn't inspiring.
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