Chapter 46 An Unwavering Beam of Intention

The air is hovering thick and wet here today and I’m feeling dense and heavy, like moss or ground cover; I'm deep in a forest that knows the sun as some distant cousin.

I’m looking up at you from the shadow of a mountainous ancestral tree and I’m getting philosophical about what it means to have you in my life. Oddly enough, the sunlight is still trying to break through -- an unwavering beam of intention bouncing off of random limbs. It’s dancing just above your hair and every so often it looks like you might be the source of it.

As I stare at you, I know that you’re my Savior, but I sense that you're asking if I would, in fact, choose you as a friend. If I'd hang out with you.

It's funny, but I feel as if the choice has already been made for me, from as early as I can remember -- like you’ve always been around. You're a member of the family. My brother, so to speak.

I didn't choose a lot of things growing up, like, for example, the way I look or the color of my eyes; my smile or how tall I am. I’ve always wanted to be taller, just so you know. And to tan better, too, because I always burn first. I do have good and very straight teeth, without the help of braces, thank you very much. Those were the luck of the hereditary draw, I suppose.

And speaking of family, I didn't get much of a choice there either. Although I’d probably still pick them if it was up to me. Well, maybe not all of them.

Like my Uncle Ed, for example.

Yet, despite the shadow of this family tree, my upbringing and my genetics, I can choose you. Or not. You’ve always told me I can take you or leave you, in so many words. I’ve never stopped to think about it, though, because you just keep showing up on your own.

So, back to the woods and the floor of it, and you’re standing here and I feel like you’re forcing me to make a decision. You’re hovering over me, a silhouette with that unwavering light behind you, reminding me that I have a free will.

I could carry a piece of you, I suppose. A cross around my neck or a fish on my bumper. Perhaps I could whip out a card from my wallet that says I can keep my promises. Or that I’m wild at heart. I’m sure if I looked hard enough I could find that bracelet with the acronym on it. Something, anything to signify our friendship. Our bond.

That’s not enough, you whisper. You seem jealous. You simply need to know if I’d want you around. In the flesh. Just you. And you won’t leave until you’ve heard my answer.

Well, OK, let me think about this. You know that I like to laugh with my friends, but it's often at the expense of others. So, I guess right off the bat you won’t like that. Could I give up my biting, sarcastic humor for you? I’d have to, because you always see the good in people. No, you see the great. You prefer that I laugh and poke fun at myself instead. It’s a practice in humility and I know how much you love that.

I can be judgmental, too, though I hide it well. Could you handle that? I know you have nothing to hide because there’s not a judgmental bone in your body. You just move with an easy pace and your grace is wide. Everyone is mysteriously equal in your eyes, and I still don't get that.

You’re more than alright with the concept of shocking people to get your point across, and you’re comfortable going in and out of places they’d least expect. I like that about you. I’m the same way, though probably not for the same reasons. I'd need to get a better grasp on your reasons before we do that together.

I also think it’s pretty cool the way you dance around useless banter and meaningless arguments to get right at the heart of the issue. You’re not avoiding the tough questions; no, you just don’t waste your words. You keep coming back to the truth like you’re fighting off some invisible lie. Maybe you really are.

Maybe the lie isn’t so invisible to you.

Not sure I need to bring this up, but I’m a friend of margaritas, which I suppose you already know. It's not a prerequisite for our friendship, obviously, but would you join me in that indulgence? I think you’d ask me first if I need one or if I want one. And the difference would be of utmost importance to you.

I’m in a rush too, most of the time, so I need quick sound bytes of information. If we’re going to do lunch and stuff like other friends do, please remember that I’ve only got a short window of time. Would you try to slow me down? I think you would.

I’m pretty selfish. Painfully so at times. You’d probably tell me to get my eyes off of myself. That could get pretty annoying.

I guess that’s it for now, though I’m sure I could go on.

Would I choose you?

I don’t mean to answer one of your questions with another question, but that’s something you taught me.

So here goes:

Why in the world would you choose me?